


Flows Like This River

by Shush7



Category: Call Me By Your Name (2017) RPF, Call Me By Your Name - All Media Types
Genre: Just some random angst, Little Timmy T at Coachella, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 14:59:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,027
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14357871
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Shush7/pseuds/Shush7
Summary: Random thoughts going through Timothée's mind at Coachella.





	Flows Like This River

**Author's Note:**

> So.. I've been experiencing writer's block lately. Which is absolutely ridiculous since I've written like.. 3 fics total? But I've been really unhappy with everything I write recently, so I just decided to try something completely different, post it and get out of my head for a little bit (it gets really annoying in there sometimes).
> 
> I hope you enjoy this little snippet and if you do, please let me know. :)
> 
> This is a work of fiction. I don't know Timmy and/or Armie at all (but wish I did).

I blow out a puff of smoke, feeling the burn crawling down my throat, expanding in my body. It's been warm around me, _California,_ but now it's finally warm inside me.

I've missed the inside warmth. New York is cold, London is cold.

Arm-- Crema was warm. It was always warm in Crema. Even if it was cold around me, I always felt warm on the inside. ~~Armie was warm~~. Crema was warm.

 _It's been 2 years._ 2 years ago I went there.  
  
_Oh God how I didn't know then._ Didn't know of the things that really mattered.

I smile at that, leaning against the balcony.

Didn't know, but learned with Elio. And learned through ~~Armie~~ Oliver.

I'm sometimes jealous of Elio. At least he got Oliver for two weeks in his entirety. He had so much to miss and cry about. I have so little: fleeting and lone forbidden touches. Touches that were allowed only when the camera was rolling. How can I miss something I never even had?

This movie was a blessing. This movie was a curse.

***

Driving to the Empire Polo Club with Weeknd in the next seat feels like a weird dream.

I guess I should be more excited.

I'm not excited just because Weeknd's here.

I am a little excited that Armie is on the same continent.

I just had to get away from London. Closer to Armie, but not close enough.

Maybe if I ignore him, he'll miss me more. I don't think I can miss him any more.

I wish I could miss him less.

***

I'm on Nicki Minaj's instagram.

Why can't I be more excited? I don't care at all.

Maybe it's because Armie has all of my care.

I think this is my third joint of the night.

***

 _Fuck_ , I'm so high.

"Tim, coming?"

***

Maybe I should drink something.

I don't think I should drink the vodka. Noone ever should drink the vodka.

***

Maybe I should drink the vodka.

***

Why did I drink the vodka? Also, why do these people seem so hollow?

 ~~They're not Armie.~~

***

I should just go to the hotel until I can still walk straight.

 _Straight. Hah._ Before Armie I thought I was.

  
***

This should be close to the hotel, right?

***  
I love that there's a river here. And a hammock.

Just gonna lie down for a sec.

***

 _*Playing "Mystery of Love"*_

  
***

I think my love for him flows like this river does.

Full of life, strong, not stopping for anything until it pours into the sea of that very same love that has been gathering and gathering and gathering since two years ago.

***

I still feel a burst of _loveyou_ emerging from my core every time he brushes against me, smiles at me or even likes my Instagram posts because _I remember everything_.

Whenever I think of him or are reminded of him - and that is always, always because _all things remind me of him somehow_ \- I can even feel him, sitting next to me or lying down besides me, but when I reach out to touch, he's not there.

He's not here now.

Why is he not here now?

***  
I feel so hollow without him, a shell of Timothée with nothing inside except an aching longing for him to just run his fingers through my hair and softly down the back of my neck because it makes my body tingle in a way that simultaneously tickles and hurts and completely surrenders me, but only when he is doing it.

I know it's only him because I've tried to replicate this feeling. With anyone, _everyone_ , to have them touch me all over and to touch them all over as well, but it's never _Armie_. It's never burning arousal and trust and big hands holding my slim middle in a way that makes me want to take in my very first breath and let out my very last one.

***  
I've never felt with anyone else that I would let them break me because I have faith in them to mend me as well.

***  
And break me he did. He must have. Because there is love seeping out of every fracture and split, draining me slowly of what I have left. And there really isn't much.

Maybe he forgot to mend me.

***

Maybe he doesn't know I'm broken.

***

Text sent "You frgott oput the peices back tpgether"

 _Fuck, why can't I control my fingers._

Text received "Little Timmy T?! Glad you're having fun (saw Nicki's post)"

 _I don't feel that drunk._

Text received "Looking at the picture I swear you are the whitest black person alive"

Text sent "I'm bokn"

Text sent "brokn"

Text sent "broken"

Text received "Drunk is what you are"

Text received "Did you hurt yourself??"

 _You hurt me.  
_

Text sent "nah, just hhigh"

Text received "Did you fall off a chair again?"

 _I fell for you._

Text received "Never gets old :)"

Text sent ".. _va te faire foutre._ "

Text received "Haha, love you too"

_No._

_God._

_No. Don't._

_It's not a joke to me.  
_

  
***

Is not having him, not having anything a punishment for remembering everything when I should just forget?

***

_*Playing "Mystery of Love"*_

  
I still can't believe fate would be so cruel to give me him for the briefest of moments, just so I could learn to love him with all of me, only for him to be taken away again.

And not even taken away, but flaunted before my eyes, him still a lingering presence in my life, acting as a constant reminder of what I should not want, but very much do nonetheless.

***

I wish I could see him.

***

Thank the lord for instagram.

***

  
I love red velvet.

I love Armie in red velvet.

~~I love Armie.~~

  
***

"Tim, why the shit are you lying here in a hammock? I searched for you everywhere, you can't just disappear like that! Dude, get up, let's go!"

"Yeah, one sec."

Let me just wipe my eyes quickly and put on my mask.

No one will know. Not these people.

~~Armie would know. Armie doesn't know.~~

  
***

Everyone feels so empty.

Maybe if I surround myself with empty, I'll feel full again.

 


End file.
